That shit does not count!

FRIES BEFORE GUYS ALWAYS. But if your having them with a guy, better♡
I was just looking through old photos from Europe today, and found a pic from Madrid. I was super drunk this one night with all my hostel friends, and we all went out drinking like young kinds traveling in Europe and you know, just living life because your in Europe.

I had this British dude i guess hitting on me the whole night, which I had no idea up until I realized, he does NOT fucking leave me alone. lol  Is "i dont want to dance with you" sign from girls not applicable for British dudes?

This story isn't going to get funnier or anything, it literally ends to this that he decided to make out with me and started to kiss me.

And honestly guys, I'm not fully ready or comfortable putting my intimate stories out here just yet, but this kiss ....was I guess kinda my first kiss....

I know right. LOL This random ginger boy just decided to make out with me at this grimy club in Madrid, and I was 23. It was 2015 December.

(not even discussing the fact that I had my first kiss at 23. LOL just let a girl BE. PLEASE. LOL )

And when I was looking at this photo today after 2 years, I was like... wait a minute, this dude was my first kiss.... right?

I barely even remember it. and that's not because I was drunk,  I just legitimately opted that memory out of my mind. I think it was kinda shocking for a me to process the whole thing to be real with you.


I was so confused to my mind.
You know me by now. I'm a fucking hopeless romantic. I thought my first kiss will be OBVIOUSLY with my boyfriend. On top of a roof top with stars,(maybe a glimpse of the Eiffel tower )and he sets a dinner table with a red table cloth and pours wine for us and he tells me I'm perfect and kisses me.

This is what I wanted, OBVIOUSLY.

The thing is, I didn't even like him. And bro you totally had no moves, so your lucky I had no idea about kissing and boys back then. I was such a little lamb! UGH!

So, like all the other girls in the world I told myself "this does not fucking count", so I kept that secret to myself and Never thought of it again.

It was just so funny to me that I kissed this dude out of nowhere, and totally fucking forgot about it. lol
I had so much value and sacred ideas of how it was going to go down, but it just happened just like that.

Shit happens for a reason, but honestly that moment meant nothing to me.
It meant nothing even when I think of it now. 

That moment that was suppose to be such a crucial life changing moment for me, I decided to just fucking forget about it. and I really did so.
Maybe that was my slight turning point of learning when to feel and not to feel. 

Numbing myself to feelings and intimacy. 

It did happen for reason I think. I am very careful when it comes to men now.
and also I can see through men when they have no good intentions.

When I see someone who clearly doesn't care about me or my feelings, I just don't care back either. It's just two adults having fun and nothing more.

Sadly, this is most of the times so the amount of times I don't CARE about people is countless at this point. And this something I don't want to get use to.

I'm not giving myself a chance either to find someone who may be good to me.

I opt out and numb myself before I get too close.

I'm numb to feelings and it sucks. I want that 20 year old me back thinking fairytales and making up cute stories. 

I swear, Men keep fucking up shit for me.