And just like that... I became the LITERAL Carrie Bradshaw I hate so much

Don't know how many of you know this, but during quarantine, I started watching Sex and the city for the first time in my life. Now, I knew what the show was about and how it was ahead of its time while it was filmed. It empowered so many women and women talking about sex on television was obviously a huge deal in the early 90s. HOT TAKE! I HATE THIS SHOW.LOL (obviously not the entirety of the show, but let me explain. ) Since it's my first time watching it in 2020, it just gives such a fucked message to women in modern day society. (I KNOW! HOT TAKE! LOL There's so many women that talk about this already, I'm obviously joking that I'm the first one to discovery this lol ) Especially Carrie, the main character of the show, going back to a man who can't commit and having an affair with that man, and playing the cry for help heroine in the show, is just.. not cool anymore right? 

If you watch Sex and the city, the main 4 characters and the men that appear in the show can be boxed in almost any person. That't why it's genius maybe. It resinates to viewers in so many ways because the characters are fucking relatable. (of course the luxury life style and way too much eating out on a weekday seems a little unrealistic for us on a budget) Nonetheless, let me just give you the slight description of my version of the characters, and what I hate about Carrie but it all honestly, I'm fully her and that's why I hate her so much. lol 

Charlotte: 

Republican. Preppy. Using the word 'pussy' is uncomfortable for her (but has a lot of sex with random people lol ) She dreams of living in a town house, getting married to a rich NewYorker, have children. (puts that on her vision board type of shit)

Miranda: 

Now Miranda is a lawyer. She's a hustler. Feminist. All about that women power. Has a lot of casual sex with random men. But sometimes she gets scared that she bought a house on her own. Single at her age scares her like all of us single ladies. She's also the friend you want in your circle, because she checks in on you and she will tell you what seems off about that man you're seeing. Best girl pal to have. 

Samantha Jones: 

(Samantha has way too many good quotes. I couldn't decide which one to pick) LOVEs sex. Slays around with most of the men in NewYork. No feelings attached. On to the next. Very vocal about what she likes and doesn't like. A bit self-centered. Career driven, loves expensive shit, and again, loves sex. You can tell, Charlotte doesn't like the way Samantha talks about sex in public so much so Charlotte and Samantha won't hang out together. 

Now there's Miss Carrie Bradshaw: 

The main chick of the group. Basically has it all but all in half kinda. She has her career, she has her sex, she has her fashion and amazing apartment, but everything sometimes is not full. She's the most probably realistic but non-realistic girl in the group. She's realistic in a sense that she has a job she loves and goes out with a bunch of men and her girl friends. But she's not realistic when it comes to love because she keeps going back to a man who is clearly emotionally unavailable. 

And this my friends is my point of day. I HATE Carrie. I hate her character so much, but the reason why is because she is ME. LOL 

She keeps going back to a man that will never give her what she wants, and she is stupid for not seeing that. Hmmm sounds super familiar. 

People are making fun of me because I now just realized how Sex and the City gives such a bad voice about relationships in modern society as I mentioned earlier. That show will not fly if it aired now. It could never. (Sorry, I know I'm like 20 years late but it's true) That show is yes, progressive since it all stars women and they talk about sex and they are in control of some situations. But it also keeps on telling a story to women that women cry over men and no matter how much you were hurt by the guy, the minute the guy swoops back into her life, the 'knight effect' happens, and it's a cinderella story all over again. 

Letting women think that there is 'the one' out there, so get hurt and wait your turn type of mentality is not girl power. LOL Don't get me wrong,  I don't totally disagree with 'the one' concept but... the 'get hurt' by a man is not a normal behavior and what women should put up with anymore. lol Like it sounds normal, but we do this constantly. Not even in just a heterosexual relationship, but in ANY relationship. Don't play games to hurt people like that you know? We get hurt so many times, and we think getting hurt is a sign or a way that he is 'showing how much he cares about you'. In all honestly, that's not how people show love if they really love you. HOT TAKE LOL  The reason why he doesn't reply to your texts isn't because 'he loves you too much'. (Quote by Miss Whitney Cummings)  

Going back to why I hate Carrie, Carrie keeps going back to Mr Big even after him being married to someone, he is CLEARLY not only physically available, but emotionally available as well, but she keeps falling for all his little bread crumbs he leaves for her. 

By the way, just recently I learned the word, 'bread crumbing'. It's the same concept as gas lighting, but it's more like the person who is leaving the bread crumbs on the floor is leaving it there on purpose for you to notice it and clean it up. Giving you little hints that I want you to notice me, but once you notice it, and clean it up for me, I might be gone by then. But up until that noticing to cleaning up point, it was fun. It's a fucked up power play, but it seems like this is the new word that I didn't know of so just leaving it here. 

I think I talked about this guy I was seeing last year, but we were never meeting half way and I thought I was waisting my time to even be friends with him at this point, so we weren't talking for a while. But this week, I got a message. I got a instagram message from him, saying

'Hey, can we talk or are we still in a Cold war'

and Just like that.... as much as I wanted to keep myself distant and needed boundaries with him, I fucking became Carrie and picked up the little bread crumbs he left for me to pick up,  just like he anticipated me to do so.  (I'm SO PATHETIC)

There's a scene, where Carrie listens to Mr Big's voice message on her phone after they broken up and met randomly on the street or somewhere. She seems confused, mad but also relieved and curious. It was the same feeling for me as well. I was relieved and my heart dropped when I saw that simple message. I was like 

'ok, we are still ok. We are not gone yet' (MIND GAMES!)

You see how hopelessly romantic I am in my head???? lol I'm truly such a mess. lol 

So being the fucking Carrie I am, I responded. I'm sorry. but i did. (Many of my friends will hate this but who cares. No one is reading this)

Not only did I responded, but I responded with a funny comment saying: 

'I don't know. France and Japan has always been on the other side of the war. Maybe we can prove history wrong?' 

(not just even being funny, but did I even accidentally flirted?)

One thing that I want to bring justice to myself that I'm a little bit more responsible than Carrie was that I did lay it out straight for the last time on him. He wanted me to be happy for him when he is in a happy place in his life, and he wants the same for me. He said I seem happy now, and that's all that he wants for me. I didn't want to give him an impression that I don't want him to be happy. Of course I do. We care for each other whether that is platonic friend way or for me at least a little bit more deeper than just friends. But I did realize while I was talking with him, I missed talking with him, but slowly I felt like I moved on and I'm almost there in letting him go and having his life. It just felt like our conversation was a bit old. Like I care, but also I don't fucking care anymore. Even as a platonic friend, he's just never there for you, so why fucking care you know? (HOT TAKE. Just getting to know that after a year.)

If this was around August/September, I'll be crying over him thinking why he doesn't get it. Why he doesn't respond the way I want him to. But now we are very transparent in what we want and we established that we can't or he can't give me what I want, so that's that. I told him, 'if the universe tells us to meet again somewhere, then it will happen. But until then we enjoy our new lives'. I feel like that's progress for me. I did in some point, despised him, and felt like he used me for his convince but I just don't want to hold that as a grudge against him for the rest of my life. Because the moments I had last year, at least for me, there were moments that I was truly happy and safe. My friends were not in my relationship, so they would never understand and that's fine. Mirada will be furious but it's fine, because I'm the only one who will know what happened during those times, and I'm happy to carry those memories for my own sake. It was a necessary step in my life to have and I'm thankful for that. 

See. Progress. I moved on a little. I don't obsess over him anymore and I'm pretty happy doing my own stuff now. 

So as much as I became the character I despise, I do hold some accountability trying not to go back into the black hole that I used to be in. Making the same mistakes has never been my cup of tea. I always learn and that's one of the greatest things of being an adult. (Yes, I shouldn't have maybe even responded, but guess what, we are not back to normal. He wants attention when he needs it and I am not blinded by that and I understand it now.)

If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. One of my favorite quotes in The Alchimist, is 

'when you want something, all the universe conspires you to help to achieve it'

So I kinda doubt it, but if it's something I want after years, we will see. 

Hmmm, I thought this post will end on a rather harsh note about me being Carrie and I hate it, but it ended up being a little bit more of an embracing moment, which I love that for me. 

Hope this inspires you to re-watch Sex and the City and we can talk about it after 20 years on this random Japanese girl's blog.

much love

Megumi