It's ok to be sad. Allow yourself to be sad.

This blog is going to be a really really oversharing one and honest as well. I've been hurt by people and I lost myself at 28, and I'm just...totally lost. Probably, for first time in my life where I'm really lost like this.  I'm so lost to a point that I don't know how to get out of it, and I feel like the rest of the world around me (aka my friends) is moving on with their lives, and I'm just living in the same place, same house, same scenery with the same attitude for years, and I don't know what to do. That's the truth. I don't know.  and the fact that it feels like nothing will change soon enough, is making me feel like I'm being left behind and I just can't do this on my own anymore. More importantly what I really want the 3 readers to know is that... I'm not strong enough to keep myself going like you have the image of me on social media. I'm not strong. I'm really the opposite. I'm insecure, shy, emotionally weak and I'm needy but I don't know how to ask for help.  But since social media creates a narrative that people want to see, and also what's very important to note is that, I am the one portraying the 'strong girl attitudes' for YEARS when in reality I'm not. Surprise! I've been lying to you guys. I'm not that girl at all. 

This quote really stuck to me by in & out of itself from Derek DelGaudio

'every secrets have weight to it, and 

you can only carry them for so long'

I have so many secrets. People will be surprised I think. People assume that I share a lot of my personal life, but there's actually SO MUCH pain that I have never revealed to the world. One of my secret is about my identity and how I present myself.  I have been lying that I'm a strong independent women. I'm not that cool chic who's easy going, and who can just brush it off like nothing happened.Who has so many friends and I can just ring up anyone in anytime! No. That's not me. I don't have a lot of friends. (This is wildly a huge misconception other people have of me) I can't always be the fun person in the group. I can't always be the filler of the conversation when there's silence. I'm tired of being responsible. I'm tired of being the responsible friend. I'm tired of being the leader and the accountable one in the group.  I'm tired of playing that role. I'm tired. I'm done. I just can't keep lying to myself like this because I'm losing myself. I'm losing who the fuck I'm actually am. I can't even answer a simple question of 

-am I an introvert? or an extrovert? 

Because, first I think I'm a extrovert because for example, when you put me in a social gathering, I can manage. I don't have to be baby sitted. I can keep talking with people and I can make friends easily. This is how I guess I seem to have many friends. (but so little of quality friends)

On the flip side, I also fucking hate going up to people and make conversation. I'm  really shy. Whenever I do go to a bar, I do try to talk to people, but that's just because I don't want friends to feel bad they brought me there or feel like they need to baby sit me. My 'Extrovertness' actually comes from me being responsible so I don't be a shitty friend. I'm just doing too much for nothing. Who am I proving this too? to my friends? Because they seem like their getting drunk and don't even care where I am in the room. 

With all that said, just this simple question of what makes a person an introvert or an extrovert, I can't decide for myself. Because I fabricate so much of myself in situations.  I'm responsible of this and very self aware and I try too much and I give too much, that l loose myself in what I actually want. I don't know who I really am and what I actually want and need. 

Isn't this crazy thought? I'm turning 29 this year. I never in a million years thought I will say, it's my last year in my twenties. I'm having an actual melt down and being sad every single day when I get out of bed. I cry so much. You have no idea. Someone asked me in an interview the other day (don't ask me what), when was the last time you cried? Without hesitation, I was able to answer, oh last Sunday. Like it's such a daily habit? that I cry naturally at home all the time. To break it down 

-50% is about feeling lonely and not feeling the love back (This goes back to the whole thing of me keep giving and giving and giving, and feeling like I don't receive anything in return.)

-25% is about the uncertainty of life and what am I doing in Japan still? 

-the rest 25% is about feeling inferior to people. An inferiority complex because I'm not competitive and I hate confrontation. Feeling lesser than something/someone. 

There's a blog post I haven't posted that's in my draft from last year, it's about rejection. It's about men not being so into you and sometimes it sucks but it happens so you have to deal with that. I recently had another pretty brutal rejection moment where I was so not in this person's relationship book, and I was just a literal physical dumpster basically for him and he met someone, and he went on to the next. 

I do want to be clear that I did not have feelings towards him much, and I couldn't see myself dating him I guess. But as time went on, of course I had some possibilities in my mind that it could happen, but at least at the time, we were both not emotionally invested in one another I guess. That being said, this thing that happened with him is really not about him breaking my heart because I wasn't into him like that. It's really about me and myself only. 

Again, it's not about him being cruel to me, because we did establish that we were I guess just physical, but at some point, I did kinda wanted more, and asked for his attention and wanted to see him not only on weekends at night, but during the day since we're not vampires? I was like his escort basically. lol I told him my needs and he told me twice that 'I think too much' . Which is a red flag I know but the validation I got just even once a week from someone was enough for me to keep going for the next week. (How shitty and sad is this?)

When he told me he met someone, I should have known it was coming, but me being the 'fake cool chick' I said this.  

'oh ok!  A bit sad, but makes sense. thanks for letting me know' 

and then he said 

'Thanks for understanding :) ' 

and that was it. 

(by the way, before I go to bed, it's so quite living alone, his text message of 'I've met someone' keeps echoing in my head. It's so maddening. The rejection of I was never the priority of anyone ever just keeps going through my mind before bed every night for the past 2 weeks now. I have no appetite for this reason. I'm no one to anyone. Rejections sucks so much and it's really hard to deal with it.) 

our 3 months of I guess knowing each other is done. Just like that. Because clearly I wasn't what he wanted for a relationship, but at least was fuckable, and that was that. Again, how he said it and the timing and everything was pretty weird, so there's definitely him at fault here for making me feel like this, but most importantly the lesson here is that, I'm so angry, upset and sad to myself that I couldn't stand up for myself and for my dignity and self respect (if I even fucking have any honestly).

I couldn't do that for myself. That's what is hurting me the most. I'm so weak and fragile and not the cool chick that everyone thinks I am, and I want people to see that sometimes but I also understand it's not their fault or responsibility to see or know that. I am the one who needs to tell them. Because I am who I am and I am something. I don't know specifically what I am, but I am something. I am worth something to tell and to be seen. It's just so fucking depressing and tiring to feel rejected all the time, and every time I'm with a man, every fucking time, I am never their priority. I am never the first girl that pops up in their mind. I am always the minimum maybe 5th girl. I keep giving and giving so much to these men, and even friends that are close to me, I give them so much, but sometimes I feel like even for my friends I feel like I don't receive the amount I gave. 

But the thing is.. who is there to validate this right? No one. There isn't a referee here saying, 'ok, you gave this much love and appreciation to this person, so he/she is allowed to give back this much to you'. It doesn't work like that. But what I do know is, after what I think was giving and I went out of my way doing something for them, but yet I feel like shit... ? I think that can be some indicator of where was the reciprocate of giving and taking. 

With all this being said, let me just say, it's been hard. really. I never been this sad and feel unwanted. I never felt so beneath everything and I was literally nothing to this man.  However, I do think I figured it out while I was talking with supportive friends about this situation. I think if I had enough self confidence in me and the respect to stand up for myself, I don't think I would've felt this shitty and unwanted. I think i would have just moved on. If anything, If I had the confidence of other women out there, I wouldn't have even put myself in that situation where men didn't treat me the way they do. It sounds so fucking cliche and dumb, I know, but it really does come within I think. This whole messed up, insecure, inferiority complex, it all comes from confidence within. (of course there are some exterior aspects to making women feel the way we feel now, let's not deny that.) This quote below is so good, all good force and strength comes from within. It comes from inside your body. Your mind. That's why us humans, we need to grow, we need to be better, do better to become a better person than yesterday. Not to be all boring and dumb, but really, I have been in such a dark place, trying to be a better person from yesterday and be better from within is something I need to work on. I need to build self respect and it's hard to work towards something that's not tangible and clear to see, but to not hurt myself again, I'm thinking of this task as 'protecting my own energy'. I need to protect myself. or who else will? 

There's a good quote by Jim Kwik: 

"If an egg is broken by an outside force, life ends. But if an egg is broken by an inside force, life begins. Great things begin in the inside. " 

One last note, there's actually another thing I learned this time. Amongst many secrets in my life, there are 2 times I reached out to my friends crying saying I don't know what to do. The second time was last week. I reached out to my close friends (3 to be exact) and they listed to me, they called me and asked me if I was ok. They said just come over to the house and have dinner together and chill. I was able to be a mess and cry to my friends and say I can't do this anymore. It was the first time that I wasn't the 'put together friend' and I was a messy friend. and that was ok. It was more than ok I think? haha I cried. I rarely cry in front of my friends, because I want to keep cool, and I don't want to be Meiwaku (I don't want to be annoying) but this time I couldn't keep my secrets anymore longer. I truly was unable to breath from crying too much by myself. I was crying myself to sleep, and I needed a friend to just listen and see me. The weak, the shy, the introvert, the not actually knowing what the fuck she's doing, the not put together at all girl, the loneliness to be seen. To be able to appreciate something is moments like this. When the daily life is so mundane and normal, you don't take a second and realize your friends the way you do in times when you need them. I am very grateful and happy for that.  I realized that I actually have people in my life that listen and see me as who I am. 

There it is. I hope this didn't make you feel sad or anything, haha but it was pretty honest I guess. But trust me as I say this, writing stuff like this for me is very catholic. even while I was writing it, I was crying, but it was also healing and reminded me of what I need to work on and what I am grateful for. 

Thank you for always reading. 3 Readers xx