I found a new project to talk about. An attempt to escape loneliness.

I found a project to talk about. Honestly no one would care, but I also want to document this publicly to justify what I'm doing is NOT sad. Exactly. I just want some justification that, hey Megumi what your doing is not sad at all, and honestly more power to you girl. (at least that's the conversation I created in my head for now. )

Hey. We are 6 months + in since the pandemic started. Dating life is quite literally the hardest and most depressing thing ever if you are single. I'm not joking. If you know me, my blog title is 'Hopeless romantic' so I hope you get the gist of what kinda person I am. Yes I'm a very attention seeking and a dramatic person, but I blame that because I'm a Leo. (says a Leo Always.) I love being in love. I love the feeling of it, I love how it makes you feel and the emotional journey you go through falling in love with someone is the best thing ever. That's that. Now, going back to being depressed and feeling lonely as fuck. Is it just me??? or all your friends also not single now? like what the fuck? Has everyone got the memo about the pandemic prior so that they can get a partner in advance? Who am I kidding. even if I got the memo, I'm definitely not that cool or dating savvy that I would be able to catch my self a man of my own. HAHAHA  

I will say this again and again and again. Being single sucks and it is not a good feeling sometimes. Remember that episode on Sex and the City? (I started watching Sex and the city from the beginning so here comes ALL the references. ) Where she's like Single and Happy? And the episode ends with, yes I'm single and happy! I go to restaurants alone and have lunch alone without a book or an armer to protect myself from embarrassment. LIKE NO! That's not true!! How can it! Of course we all want a life partner! We all want to share a life together with someone. It's human natural behavior to be apart of a social animal and prey for whatever/whoever you want to spend your life with to survive! 

I listen to way too many podcasts about relationships and women being independent in a modern society we call 2020. I think that's cool. It means, they are successful and happy and a relationship is maybe not everyone's priority. But hey. For me, it's been  28 years of not having a partner in my life, and I'm pretty fucking sad about that to be honest, not to sugar coat anything. But it does really make me think, I'm not happy being single. I also don't know if I will be happy in a relationship because I never been in one!!! So that's why I want to at least try out being in one ? Is that fair to say? 

So Fuck you for making me feel like shit that I'm not "Single and Happy!" Truly fuck you. 

Anyways, my project. Here it is. 

Go to a local bar at least once -3 times a week alone. (with armer DUH ) 

**already done once this Monday for the first time and it was the worst! 

Now, why did I come up with this?  I'm truly the funnies I feel like to start going to bars and being active when there's literally a pandemic going on, but don't worry.  I'm going to be responsible so please don't freak out. 

So why? I went to a friends farewell party who moved to Spain. She has been in Japan for 4 years. Did not know anyone and had no friends and yet managed to make a local bar that she goes to almost everyday. Now when she invited me there, granted it wasn't the exact vibe that I would like but that's why I'm on this project to try to find the vibe I like and make friends/ meet men in particular. If a girl who has been in Japan for only 4 years and manages to find a bar that she goes to on a daily basis and knows the bartender and knows people that come and go, like why can't I fucking do that? I should be able to meet random people in the flesh, not through stupid dating apps anymore because we all know, where that will take you ESPECIALLY in Japan when you meet foreigners. Either  they will leave to their country, they are just here to fuck or will just ghost you. Don't even want to get into the discussion of is it different with Japanese men and foreigners? Maybe it is.  Maybe it's not. But I can't honestly afford that feeling of being disposed again. I just don't have the emotional capacity to do that anymore. At least if you meet someone in person, you can hash out all that shitty 'fist date' plans and putting a strangers name in your calendar and act like it's a 'proper date' when it's not. Technically you are already on a date if you're talking to someone at a bar! right? 

So, I want to do this project for myself to build confidence to talk to men or even just people in general. I'm good at talking with people, I really am. But not when it comes to that the purpose is intentionally to meet people.  If it's random with friends around, cool.  I can be that friend that will bring the party to the table or whatever. But I'm fully alone in this situation just drinking a glass of wine and trying to make conversation and no one knows me enough to help me out of a awkward moment. 

I hope that it will give me the confidence that I need, which is, not looking down in my phone and feeling embarrassed to talk to someone for the first time or feel self-conscious of my body the whole time.  Don't over think it.  

The second small reason that I don't want to admit is that I don't have a bar that I go to casually. I have restaurants that I go to and people know me, but not bars. Going to a local bar just seems more intimate and also people will already have one thing in common, which is they all live around the neighborhood! LOL I think that's a good common denominator to have because it gives you a chance to explore more of your neighborhood that you live in. So this is the part I don't want to admit is that, It's been exactly a year since I moved out out of my parents house. Initially my plan was to go out at bars and meet new people and socialize. Yes, granted, it's a pandemic, people are not going out, and all that, but aside from that, I just have been too comfortable with where I am and I don't feel like I'm exploring my options of friends or social groups. Don't get me wrong. I love my friends now, but I also need to expand my pallet of knowledge of the world and stop being comfortable. I don't want to be a married women yet and have kids, so why am I home all the time? I can do  that later in my life. I'm a 28 year old women who has been in the same city her WHOLE life. It's time for me to grow up and learn what's out in Tokyo. 

I also want to note that it's maybe not just about meeting men, which is certainly the purpose of this project but in general, for a life lesson, it will be good for me to put myself out of my comfort zone and talk to people. Make conversation and see what happens. Don't over think it. 

I already did my first bar, which was 5 minutes away by bike. I went in at 6pm, still happy hour, with full on armer. I mean I had my work laptop with me LOL The first try, give me some slack. I did have work to finish but also wanted to dabble in the bar idea so went into a casual bar that has wifi as well, and pulled out my laptop and started working fully for 40 minutes. It was a Monday, there were 4 groups of people. Everyone was already hot and heavy with their conversation, I just wanted to get a feel of this place and see if I can come here again. Verdict is, I could definitely do so. Not going to take my laptop LOL but might take a book with me. Maybe because I was fully working at a bar, I definitely got some stairs of what is this girl doing here alone? but I'm not going to over think it. 

If anyone has any tips on what time to go to a bar or what day to go? that will be great. Like when do people go into bars alone? It's a thing right? It better be or else this project has no meaning to it already. 

Thanks for sticking around. yours truly. 

Bisou