LADIES, Let's talk about gaslighting behavior and how fucked up it is.

 

Gaslighting is a word you hear a lot recently, but for those who are  not familiar with  the term let's recap real quick. Apparently it's being used a lot ever since Trump became president LOL because he constantly lies about one thing, and keeps on telling the same lies, so as a listener, you're like 'oh yeah, wait maybe he could be right?' and confuses people. It's insane but it is a thing. You actually start believing in what you thought was right is actually...wrong?  If you are one of those people who think I only believe facts so I won't be confused, have you ever been gaslighted by a friend or a partner? Truly, it's a mental fuck up and SO unhealthy that I want to get a little personal about this topic. 

This is the definition I got from better help, which if you know, it's a therapy service LOL so yeah, gaslighting is a thing that is something fucking real and should not be  over looked at. 

Definition: Gaslighting is the act of manipulating someone using psychological efforts to make them question their own sanity.  It is a severe form of emotional abuse that often leads them to question their own memories, thoughts or events that have happened.  (By Better help.com)

ちなみに、日本語でGaslightの意味を調べると、直訳だと「ガス灯」って意味になるんだけど、普通に友達と話してる文脈の中で、「彼にガス灯的な態度を取られた」って100%使わないよね笑　だから、多分ピンとくるの難しいかもしれないんだけど、要は、意図的に相手の判断とか気の確かさを疑問に持たせる行為をしてくる人のことをいうんだよね。

「それ、合ってる？」「それほんと？君の記憶違いじゃない？」とか「違うと思うよ」というのを何回も相手に言われて、何回も言われれば言われるほど、人は「あれ、確かに、私が間違ってるのかも？」とか思わせる行為をしてくる人。これ周りにいるでしょ、絶対。

すんごいよくあるわかりやすい例を話すと、浮気をされた時のシチュエーションが一番わかりやすい。「浮気してるでしょ？」って言った時に「何言ってるの？君頭おかしいんじゃないの？大丈夫？」「え？何、人の携帯見てるの？なんでそういうこと言うの？そういうことするから頭おかしいこと言うんだよ」とか「いつもそういうドラマばっかり見てるからなんか勘違いしてるんじゃないの？なわけないじゃん」とか言ってくる人たち。「んー。なんか確実に浮気してると思うんだけど、確かに私がちょっとオーバーリアクションしすぎてるのかも。」とまた振り出しに戻る自分がいたり。

「確かに、私がちょっと頭おかしかったのかも。私が行けなかったのかも」って思わせる相手。そいつの行動、絶対だめだよ、無視しちゃ。本当にありえないから、っていう話が今日はしたかった。笑　そもそもそう言う浮気とかの話になってる時点で、何かがおかしいんだから、それをきちんと真っ向から話て、自分が振った話題なのに、自分が責められるシチュエーションなんてありえないよね。でもこれ、結構よくある行為だと思うんだよね。（ちなみにこれは女も男も両方よくやることだからね。）

So, I was gaslighted maybe for a good year or so. I liked this guy, and recently I had a huge fall out with him.  It sucked and it still hurts and I could have never imagined our relationship going to shit like this because I truly thought we had something tangible.  I was living in Charlotte's world and it was crushed vividly and clearly recently and it made me realized, WOW, it's time for me to let go and WOW, it took me a year to realize that. 

Anyways, you get the gist of it, I was into somebody for a long time but he also had this really fucked up gaslighting behavior where I constantly had to come to myself and say, ok, maybe I'm overreacting, I should take time for myself and revisit what he said to me. And this happened for over a year, whenever he says something to me that was hurtful, I wanted to justify what he said because I cared for him so much and I didn't want the relationship to go anywhere, so I made it my fault that I was the one who was overreacting, who wasn't being 'cool enough', who wasn't being understanding of the situation and blah blah blah. I have so much that I written in my journal while crying, but still made it about me. About how I am fucked up and I need to be normal and chill.   

So when we had the fall out recently, this is the gaslighting I received. A quick recap on our relationship. We met last year, we were never dating, he lives in another country,  he's seeing someone now, and we just never were exclusive even when he was in Japan last year but we did spend a lot of time together. He lived at my house  for a month or so, we had sex, we kissed, we traveled together to Korea, but we were never 'dating' *rolling my eyes* (I know it's weird. In my mind we were dating, but he NEVER admit that we were dating so that's that and let's just leave it there)  

Recently, it became more obvious that he was seeing someone, which he told me months ago so I knew, but I think it was becoming more public so he's posting  on instagram of  her and all that shit. But yet in July on my birthday he sends me a lovely birthday gift with a letter that was pretty personal and doesn't seem like a thing someone will say to another women while he's 'dating' someone else. LOL but hey, men with commitment issues right? We love a little  Mr Big moment.  (Sorry, there's just so many Sex and the City references recently ) 

I knew he was becoming a little bit more open with his relationship now, and we weren't taking much anymore, he seemed busy with his own life, which he also makes  it feel like I'm never busy and I don't have a life LOL So yeah, I was  being a  little  distancy with him. I'm not in a relationship and I haven't moved on to be honest, so  I  was being pity which I will admit. That's why I just was not talking with him much anymore. I needed some boundaries. 

Then he texts me like 

-What is wrong with you?

-Why are you like this? 

-you're talking a lot right now, maybe when you know what you want, call me in a day,  or in a month, or in year. have good night. 

What is wrong with me? why am like this ? When I know what I want???? LOL 

Why am I distancing myself from you is not because I’m being weird. I'm trying to move on and for the first time knowing you, I want to make a choice that's healthy for me, which is try not to interfere with each others lives. Yes, granted, I was a little thrown off recently because suddenly within this month, he was posting more of the girl he's seeing at the moment, so maybe in that sense I was 'being weird'? Yeah I was thrown off a bit because I wasn't obviously over him, which HE KNOWS, but then him saying 'what is wrong with me' because I'm not acting like I'm cool with this whole situation is so not healthy and fair. It's not ok and fair because he kNOWS why I'm being weird. He knows.  He knows how I feel about it, he knows I don't want to talk  about his sex life or relationship, which I  have  addressed in the past saying I need boundaries with him. 

While someone knows what triggers you or what is bothering you, and them saying 'what is wrong with you?' Is typical gaslighting behavior and I just can't handle that anymore mentally.  He told me I'm not being as cool as Lauren (fake name) about this situation so he can't talk about his relationship to me and he can't be open to me. 

If you are like my close friends reading this,  you would know, but I was the only one that wanted to be transparent the whole time I was with him. I wanted clarity with 

-are we exclusive or seeing other people?

-Do we like each other as a friend or??? more?   

-are we dating or???? 

I was the one always asking about what he felt about me, but I never received any answers from him. So not receiving an answer itself was already an answer, so I knew how our relationship was never going anywhere. I digress. The point is, it was so mean and unfair of him to say to me 'once I'm clear with what I want'. He turned the entire situation to me now. So now I'm the one who has to do the work, act cool and don' be crazy. This is  where the gaslighting affect hits too. Because now it's been a week or so? and I can't stop thinking  about that conversation. Was I being uncool and over reacting? Should I just be cool like Lauren so he can talk about his relationships to me? Am I an annoying bitch that needs to moves on? Maybe he is right, I have nothing else in my life going on, and I'm a miserable women who needs to fucking move on? I'm the one who's now thinking all about that conversation, meanwhile, there is no chance that he cares. No chance at all, that he cares anymore.

All that I was doing was to distance myself to be a little bit more healthy and  have a  civil relationship with him without interfering with each other's personal lives, but now, I'm the crazy one. The crazy half American/ Japanese girl he met while he was traveling Japan. I'm just some girl No 35 to him, while I can't stop blaming myself for 'acting out' and being 'crazy'.  

Ladies, and men too, because I know some girls who do the same shit to their man, but if you are in a situation where someone has said something that you now need to question your behavior or actions, check in with that person first and say, 'don't turn this around me'. It's truly hard to do on the spot, because you think that person is right, that 'you' are being crazy. But no. It's not you. There isn't something wrong with you. The questions you have is normal. It's normal to want more or to discuss what you need or think that is healthy for you. Because the life you live is about you and you only. If you need something or needs to address something to another person, do so and get the answers you need. Don't make that person make you apologize and say 'I was wrong' 'I was being crazy'.  

I honestly still want to have normal and healthy friendship him, but I also don't want to keep feeling like shit when I talk to him or feel like 'I'm crazy'  'I should take a step  back'. I don't want to feel like that anymore. And that's the truth of gaslighting. It's so toxic and you can't see it on the spot, but once you reflect on it, it hits you and it makes angry, and I think you have the right to put that out there on your emotional feminist blog like the rest of us.  hahahaha 

Thanks guys 

Bisou bisou